02- Satan! Page 10

  “But you can skip all that rigamaroo. I just need you to transfer to a high school with one of my agents, tell them who is what, and then they will do the rest of the work. Soon I’ll have all of my competition’s generals deader than a toad with a brick up its ass. Then I’ll be able to take over Earth. How old are you, Sherman?”

  “I’m eighteen.”

  “You look like you're fifteen going on ten. I imagine that I’ll be able to get another six years of work out of you as a high school student before my enemies start to get suspicious. Of course, if I cut off your balls, you’d mature a lot slower. That could work also.” Satan stroked his black beard thoughtfully.

  “Cut off my balls?” I choked out, and I realized that I had my hands over my crotch.

  “Ha! I’m joking with you, Sherman. I like you too much to do that to you. You actually remind me a little of JC. Did I tell you that yet?”

  “No,” I said.

  “Yeah, except JC had muscles, and charisma, and he didn't squeak when he talked. But as I was saying: I can get you into these schools as a teacher when you get old. No need to castrate you.” The Lord of Evil laughed and pointed at me while he glanced at Charlotte. My girlfriend made a slight smile and then fluttered her eyelids at the small demon king.

  “So what do you say? Will you work for me?” Satan grabbed a few cookies from the bowl and tossed them into his mouth.

  “I don’t really know. I mean, I kind of thou--”

  “Oh! I forgot about the stick and the carrot! Oh, bad me.” The small demon laughed and shook his head.

  “Stick and carrot?” I asked

  “Sure. See the carrot,” Satan said as he pointed to his throne. I followed his finger and saw the dozens of beautiful winged women touching each other. They realized I was looking at them, and half blew me kisses while the other half rubbed their bodies suggestively.

  “After you finish your jobs, and I’ve taken over the Earth, I’ll give you your own fiefdom in Hell, or Earth, or wherever. You’ll have unlimited power over your domain, and I’ll give you ninety nine of my succubi to entertain you. Forever. So if you grow bored with one, or all, I’ll replace them for you. How does that sound?”

  “Uhhh. I don’t know wha--”

  “Oh, and I almost forgot about the stick.” His grin grew surprisingly large and fearsome through his beard.

  “Stick?”

  “Yes. Carrot is something you run toward. The stick is something you run from. It’s corporate management one-oh-one. Charlotte, come here.”

  Satan held out his small hand and my girlfriend got up from the couch. She walked around the coffee table, and Satan pulled the beautiful succubus into his lap. She was almost a foot taller than him, and the scene was slightly comical. Except that I felt my heart hammer angrily in my chest, and I wanted to scream.

  “If you don’t work for me, I’ll break your girlfriend into a thousand pieces.” Satan’s voice was a deep growl, and his eyes suddenly glowed like the sun.

  Charlotte didn’t move, and she just stared at the coffee table when Satan spoke. She didn’t look surprised by the words that the Lord of Evil had spoken, and I wondered if she had known this would happen.

  “I’ll work for you. Please, don’t hurt her,” I said quickly.

  “Ha, I knew it. You can go sit down again, girl.”

  Charlotte stood up from Satan’s lap, and the tiny man slapped her ass when she stepped around the coffee table. She didn’t make eye contact when she sat, and I heard some giggling from the other women gathered around the throne.

  “So I want to start with something easy. I’ve got a problem here in Hell that requires fixing. Should be a quick trip. I’ll even lend you one of my cars. You game?”

  “Do I have a choice?” I asked

  “Ahh, Sherman. Kid, you are breaking my heart. Don’t be so glum. No one gets a deal like this from a guy like me. Hey, tell you want. Charlotte can be one of the ninety nine succubi that you pick. Would you like that? She’ll be bound to you for all eternity. Kind of romantic, huh? Better than watching her die isn’t it?”

  “So tell me about this job. What do I have to do?” I glanced down to the towels wrapped around my wrists. I wasn’t hurting anymore, and the blood appeared to be dry on the white cloth.

  I didn’t want Charlotte to be ‘bound’ to me. That sounded like slavery. I wanted her to love me as I loved her. I wanted her to want to be with me like I wanted to be with her. I wanted her to be my girlfriend. I didn’t want her to stick around me because Satan commanded it. Even if that was why she had taken me to Hell in the first place.

  “I’ve got a guy. Demon lord more exactly. Balor to be precise. Name’s Barrtazzu. Charlotte, you heard of him?”

  “Of course, Lord Satan,” the succubus said with a nod, but she still didn’t look up from the coffee table.

  “So this guy is one of my best generals. Been giving it hard to Lucy for the last few thousand years, but all that’s turned around in the last year. Barrtazzu has been getting his big ass kicked all over the border of the Abyss. I’ve sent advisors and such, but they all tell me the same thing: Lucy seems to know what Barrtazzu is doing before he does it. I think there is a spy, or something else that is going on. So the mission is to go there, figure out what the problem is, and solve it. Permanent style. Capisce?”

  “I don’t really know how to fight or anything,” I said as I looked at my bandaged hands.

  “Yeah, I fucking figured. I’m Satan, not an idiot. Take Charlotte with you. Take whatever car you want. When you find the spy, tell Barrtazzu to help. He’s upset that he keeps getting his ass kicked, and I know he doesn’t like me yelling at him. Do you understand the assignment?”

  “Yes. I think,” I said.

  “Good.” Satan stood and stretched his arms over his head with a satisfied groan. Then he looked at Charlotte before glancing back to my hands. “How did you hurt your wrists?”

  “I was kidnapped by a--”

  “Wait. Kid, I like you, but I can tell this story is going to be all sorts of long and boring. I need to give you my mark. Then my servants won’t try to kill the life out of you. Now where did I put it?” The small demon king stood from the plush couch, moved his red hands to his pants, and felt around as if he was looking for lost keys. Then he smiled and pulled something out of his left front pocket.

  “Here it is. Hold out your right hand. Palm down.”

  “Uhhh. Okay.” I did as the Lord of Hell instructed.

  Satan pulled the cap off a small stamp, and then he carefully pushed it onto the top of my hand. The design was a circle shape, with a smiley face in the middle and words wrapped around.

  “Thank you? Have a nice day?” I read with surprise.

  “Yeah. For a while I was doing the whole six six six thing, but mortals got wise to that, and it wasn’t very exclusive. Then I bought this stamp with a cool star shape that looked like the rune that opens the portal to Hell. The humans found out about that though, and they started drawing it everywhere, and by that, I mean they were tattooing it on their ass cheeks. Idiots. So now I’ve got this one. Just show it to any demon you cross and they will leave you alone.”

  “Okay. Thank you.”

  “Sure, now you two crazy kids get out of here and don’t come back until you’ve finished the mission.”

  Charlotte stood up from the couch, and I felt her fingers wrap around my arm. She pulled me past the coffee table, and we began to walk out of the massive throne room.

  My brain was still spinning with confusion. I’d just met Satan, and he’d been nice? But also not nice, and really scary. I was alive though, after meeting the Lord of Evil. Did this mean I got an ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED? Probably, but I'd replay the talk with Satan during the car ride and ask the beautiful succubus more about our mission.

  I knew one thing for sure: I didn’t want him to kill Charlotte, so I was going to do my best to serve him.

  “Hey, Sherman!” Satan called to me.

>   Charlotte and I turned around to see the tiny Lord of Hell about to ascend the stairs to his throne and waiting succubi attendants.

  “Yes?” I called across the empty tiles of the hall.

  “Don’t wash your hand. That stamp has really cheap ink. Okay?” The horned Lord of Evil let out a deep laugh. Then the master of Hell turned his back to us and continued to walk up the stairs.

  “Is he joking?” I asked Charlotte as I looked at my hand. It really did look like cheap ink, and I didn’t want to touch it for fear that it might smear.

  “He might be. It is hard to tell sometimes,” Charlotte shrugged. “But just to be sure, don’t wash your hands until we get back here.”

  Chapter 8

  We took the elevator up to the lobby in silence. I opened my mouth half a dozen times to ask Charlotte about the meeting with Satan, but as soon as I took a breath to speak, the beautiful succubus girl just shook her head at me. Then I tried to ask her why she wouldn’t talk to me, but she shook her head again, and her eyes narrowed. It was obvious that she didn’t want a conversation at that moment.

  The doors opened to Satan’s tower lobby with a ding, and Charlotte exited the elevator without her usual caution. I followed her and noticed that the succubus fountain had somehow been fixed. It looked exactly as it did before the tiger demons had destroyed it, and the obsidian-carved winged women were frolicking in the bloody spray just as I remembered.

  I heard a screech on the far side of the room behind us, and I turned to see three demons sliding across the black marble floor. They looked like beautiful women in chainmail bikini tops, only each had a snake body below the waist. They also had three arms on each side, and each hand held either a sword, spear, pitchfork, or shield. The snake demons looked more than a little angry, and their snake parts wiggled frantically as they sped towards us.

  “Show them your mark. Hurry,” Charlotte said.

  I raised my arm and flashed the back of my hand at the three snake women. I had thought that the stamp might glow or radiate an aura of Satanic power, but it didn’t do any of that. The demons did skid to a halt a few feet from us and relax their combat-ready shoulders.

  “Awww, shit. He has a mark,” one of them said in a disheartened whine. They stood eight feet tall or so, and I had to crane my neck up to see their faces.

  “Damn it,” one of the other six-armed women groaned. “Oh, hey Charlotte,” she said to my girlfriend.

  “Hey Trish,” the succubus said with a nod.

  “Are you with him? Or do you wanna fight?” Trish asked with a slightly insane smile that made my stomach drop.

  “Yeah, I’m with him. I can’t fight right now. We are heading out to Barrtazzu’s fiefdom.”

  “Ahh, too bad. Are you going to fight devils? Can we come?”

  “Hmmm,” Charlotte considered. “Satan said we could use one of his cars, and they all only have two seats. I also don’t know if we are going to fight any devils there. Don’t you have to guard the tower?”

  “Yeah, but it is so borrrrrrring,” one of the other snake women said.

  “Who’s the kid?” Trish asked as she pointed to me with the top of a barbed spear.

  “Sherman,” Charlotte answered.

  “He seems weak. I don’t see any muscles.” The three women studied me as if they were a group of home buyers on HGTV that didn’t like the color of the walls. For the love of Satan, you can repaint, people.

  “He isn’t a warrior,” Charlotte shrugged.

  “We will teach him!” the three snake women yelled in unison.

  “What do you say, Evan?” Trisha asked me. Her hair was long and the color of dark ink. She was extremely pretty, except the slight green shade of her skin, her six arms, and snake lower body kind of distracted me.

  “We really have to go do this job. You know how Lord Satan gets,” Charlotte apologized.

  “Oh, yeah. Well, later then. We are always down to fight. Or teach others to fight, or do anything that feels violent,” the six-armed woman said as she looked at me.

  “I’ll keep that in mind.” I forced a smile to my lips, and the succubus pulled on my arm again.

  “Who were they?” I asked once we had reached the elevators to the garage.

  “Mariliths. I mentioned them before. They love to fight, and they are really good at it.”

  “Do they know you?” The elevator doors opened, and we stepped inside. I could hear the sound of metal on metal in the depths of the lobby, and I guessed that they were fighting each other.

  “Yep, Satan made me train with some of them before he sent me to Earth.”

  “Oh, so you are friends?”

  “No. If you didn’t have the mark, they would have killed you and then tried to kill me. They don’t have friends, just people they want to fight.” Charlotte shook her head and gave me a slight smirk.

  “That sounds--”

  “Let’s talk more in the car. Please,” the succubus said, and I stopped my questions.

  The door opened to the garage with a happy beep, and we stepped out into the row of cars.

  “Where is our car?” I asked as I looked around for the half-wrecked Bugatti.

  “The attendants could have parked it again. Do you have something else you want to take?” She gestured to the endless rows of supercars.

  “Ummm,” I said as I looked at the gleaming panels of red and black vehicles. “I think you should pick. You know a lot about cars, and you are a great driver.”

  “You are learning,” she giggled slightly. The sound made my heart almost burst with affection for the brown-haired girl, and I tried to push the memory of her fawning over Satan out of my head.

  “Yeah. Haha.” I scratched the back of my head and smiled at her.

  “Did you like the Bugatti Veyron Super Sport World Record Edition?”

  “Oh yeah! It was fast. Probably a little too--”

  “Okay. I have the perfect car. Follow me,” Charlotte said. We walked over two rows and then down a few dozen yards.

  “This is my favorite.” She pointed to a red supercar. It had a fin on the back, a mesh grill on the lower bumper area, twin pairs of circular headlights, and triple exhaust pipes that came out of the back where a license plate should have been.

  “Isn’t Hennessey the name of a whiskey or something?” I asked after I read the name printed next to the exhaust.

  “Ha. Get in,” Charlotte said as she opened the driver’s door.

  I moved to my side, opened the low red door, and sat on the leather seat. The interior didn’t look as nice as the Bugatti, and the dashboard was much more spartan, but Charlotte had a tiny smirk on her face, so I guessed she was happy to be in this car. The Bugatti had a racing-type harness that buckled over my chest, but this car only had a traditional shoulder belt, and I clicked it closed before she could remind me.

  “This is the Hennessey Venom GT. It is the fastest production car on Earth.” She twisted the key in the ignition, and the car roared to life with a slight shake.

  “I thought you said that the other car we drove was the fastest production car on Earth?”

  “I did, and it is. Well, the Bugatti Chiron is supposed to be faster, but I am talking about the Venom right now. It is the fastest production car on Earth. It has a twin turbo seven-liter General Motors racing engine mated to a six-speed Ricardo transmission. It is built on top of a modified Lotus Exige chassis, so it is very light weight. Almost fifteen hundred pounds lighter than the Veyron.” The beautiful girl’s wings were tucked behind her as she sat, and she moved the shift on the center console with practiced ease. The car started to roll backward with a purr, and she reached her right hand to the back of my seat so that she could see over her shoulder.

  “How can they both be the fastest if there is another one that is faster than--”

  “It has over one thousand two hundred horsepower and a maximum speed of two hundred and seventy miles an hour.” She had finished backing the car out of the spot, and h
er hand moved the shift into what I guessed was first gear.

  Then she stomped on the gas.

  The Bugatti had taken off like a roller coaster. It had been crazy, stupid fast, but the acceleration felt controlled. The tires had hardly screeched when the vermillion-trimmed car had gone through its paces. This Hennessey was like a turbo-charged stallion on speed. The tires cried at the abuse, the engine screamed like a rocket ship, and it felt like the front end of the car lifted off the ground.

  “Ahhhh!” I shouted as the rows of parked supercars screamed by me and my heart tried to exit my back through my ribs.

  Charlotte hit the brakes and turned the wheel. The Venom turned sideways in the garage, and we missed smashing the front end into a Corvette by only a few inches. My body was almost ripped sideways out of the chair, but the succubus straightened the wheel, and the supercar accelerated out of the turn into a straight line.

  “The Bugatti is a wonderful car, but it is rather sterile. Any mistake a skilled driver would make will be corrected by a hundred sensors, algorithms, and translated to the all-wheel drive and accelerator. This Hennessey has some of that, but the car is very close to just an engine on tires with two seats and a six on the floor.” She turned the wheel again, and the entire car lifted off the concrete as we descended the parking ramp.

  “The Venom wants to kill the driver. It hates that it is under control. It has a soul, and the soul wants to go as fast as possible. Every turn I take, the wheels want to break free. Every time I push down on the acceleration, the engine just wants more. The shifting is unbelievably smooth, and the car feels as if it has unlimited power. It is an homage to the first American sports and muscles cars, when nothing mattered more than speed, and acceleration.”

  We landed about halfway down the ramp, and the car bottomed out with a surprisingly unpainful bump. Charlotte made a hard right at the end of the ramp, and the red supercar slid sideways for almost fifty yards before the succubus straightened it out.